Tarrah Writes Stuff

My Calendar is Threatening Me

Why is having an empty day on your calendar — a No Events Scheduled day — such a THREAT? It should be a treat.

Seriously. Think about the last one you had.

I’m willing to bet it wasn’t a vacation day. And it probably wasn’t really planned (at least not in the ‘well, I was trying to keep Thursday open for X so one call won’t kill me’ way. And definitely not in the ‘I have over-scheduled myself for 74 days straight and I’m intentionally scheduling nothing’ only to be bored and begging for attention by 10 am way.)

The Blank Days sneak up on you.

Someone innocently asks, “I got jammed up today. Cool if we push to tomorrow?” And then you look at ‘tomorrow’ and see nothing but blank space. Sometimes it’s so vacant that it’s not even someone you haven’t spoken to since the 3rd grade’s birthday. It’s really empty. Blank. Void. WTF.

First, you think your internet must be jacked and your calendar just hasn’t synched.

Then, you realize you’ve been streaming Love is Blind for 4+ hours (in the background) so the internet isn’t the issue.

Surely, you must have forgotten to add something. So you scan your notes. Check your emails. Texts. Slacks. Teams. Etc.

Nope, not there either.

There are at least five meetings you were trying to schedule… ok, digging through sent emails yes you offered times for ‘tomorrow’ but those didn’t work for people.

Fuck.

Quick scan through the To Do list and you either have a list of long put-off projects you were probably never actually dealing with OR you know you have a quantifiable shit ton of work to do and deadlines looming that would break a lesser person threatening to end your career. In either case, this ‘free day’ should be your saving grace.

But instead, it inspires a panic. It’s a threat. An as real as ghosts threat that tomorrow is going to screw you so disproportionately hard that you may never recover. Because… how could it not?

You go to bed and you don’t sleep because you have no idea what’s coming but you are 100% confident that it is.

You wake up exhausted and terrified and equal parts desperate for espresso and a nap.

And you wait.

Then, because you have literally done nothing but will a shitstorm into existence to fill the nothingness on your calendar, the shitstorm arrives with a thwack upside your head and an IOU to collect.

Screw you empty calendar day… you think, not willing to tempt fate again.

“ I just did,” the emptiness answers. “See you again tomorrow.”

Speed Dating (I effing love it!)

So, yeah, Speed Dating. Sometimes you just need a break from Awards Season!

No one believes me when I say this… but I love speed dating. I am aware it does not otherwise fit my personality so when someone throws out speed dating as an activity, my friends don’t always believe me at first. But I always respond with, “In.”

And that’s exactly how we ended up Zoom speed dating last week. I’d been talking with my friend, we shall call her the Queen, about doing it since the prehistoric days (aka Pre-2020). And finally scheduled and life worked in our favor (I had to brief her on a work project and we were probably gonna spend at least 45 min catching up anyways… so why not go on six mini-dates?). We signed up day-of. And, yes, virtual speed dating is just as ridiculous and entertaining as in-person (and the cocktails are cheaper!)

Q was honestly not prepared for the sheer amount of joy she would witness and experience while simultaneously speed dating in my living room. This fact was proven when midway through she stopped talking to her dates to take photos and videos of me chatting away.

What’s not to like:

5-minute conversations mean you aren’t just able to be judgy… it’s expected. You can’t possibly make an educated decision in that amount of time… so judge and be judged. (Dude rolling around in your unmade bed, in the din of a black light, while aggressively petting your uber-white cat––while I very much wish to use you in a book someday, I don’t think we are a match. Next!)

It’s like an hour all in… and you only need one outfit!!! (Let’s be honest, it was over the Zooms, it only required a decent shirt and some lipstick. #lipstickisthenewpants)

Also, people are weird and that totally comes through in 5 minutes (especially virtually on day 3,458 of quarantine). Weird people are the best because they are themselves. Crystals, crypto, the mandolin, moving to outer space –– nothing is off-limits. While I encourage you to be yourself, sometimes you need to put on your detective hat and get to the bottom of that Minotaur-Suit of Armor displayed in the background.

Finally, let’s also be clear you may meet the love of your life or your new concert buddy or a new friend (and you never know who they know––maybe they’re the quirky best friend in your future-mate’s story) or you may just have a ridiculously entertaining evening and meet some new people. I’m not the least bit embarrassed to admit I’ve never matched with anyone at sped dating (I’ve also never been super sad about it. And relieved to not match at least twice!) But I’ve never had a bad time and I always walk away with a great story!

Super Bowl vs. Valentine’s Day

Hearts vs. Balls. That’s the real face-off this weekend. A true battle royale. And I’m not okay with it!

Is anyone else struggling to understand what scheduling genius thought putting the Super Bowl the day before Valentine’s Day was cool?

No, just me. Sweet. Buckle up. This might take a minute.

The minute my Patriots were out of the running this year, I sent the following text:

While it’s almost a given that I’ll make and bring snacks to any gathering, there are some circumstances when I must put my spatula down and focus on the game.

Namely: Super Bowl Sundays when the Patriots are playing.

No Patriots = All the snacks.

To date, none of my friends have complained. I’m still getting invited to Super Bowl Parties. Though I suspect that may equally have to do with the fact that I’m fairly good-natured when suffering through Patriot-Hater rants. (I get it, it sucks when the same team always wins (ahem, 90s-era Yankees. Ugh!) But when that team is yours, it’s flipping awesome. So, I’ll endure your rants while still feeling supreme.)

In summary, I’m IN on the Super Bowl. The whole Super Bowl game and all. And, hello this Bring Back the 90s Concert that’s happening at halftime!

Valentine’s Day = Mixed reviews. I try not to let the greeting card companies dictate when I tell people how I feel about them, but if you like a little bonus love day––You Do You, Boo!

Galentine’s Day, however, that I’m into. An excuse to brunch and #breadhard with my peeps––Hell, yes! And it requires a full day.

Super Bowl Sunday and Galentine’s Day are the SAME DAY this year.

I’m still working on that time machine and I have some ethical concerns about cloning (mostly, there is such a thing as too much Tarrah).

In other words, I can’t be in two places at once.

I can’t be popping bubbles with the ladies AND making the perfect Hawaiian Jalapeño Wings that will be ready for game time.

While I know that this year’s scheduling snafu has everything to do with the Winter Olympics and little to do with the NFL giving up on courting female fans, it still sucks.

My brain is confused enough that the Super Bowl wasn’t last weekend and I can’t seem to remember that I need to avoid any bars, restaurants, or activities that are romantic-adjacent for the weekend and on Monday.

Don’t crush my perfect Galentine’s Days dreams!

Let’s all take a lesson from this year and plan better in the future.

(And, yes, fine, here’s the recipe: Hawaiian Jalapeño Chicken Wings!)

I’m confident most of my friends’ kids know exactly how weird their parents are, but Aunt Tarrah is HERE for this!

Bread Hard

I was at a dinner with colleagues the other night in Hollywood and something of a miracle happened we ordered extra bread for the table and everyone ate it.

Especially in LA, everyone has a gluten thing or a carbs thing, or a [insert crazy fad diet] thing. At least it feels that way. But somehow we had assembled a table of 11 people gushing over the bread.

To be clear, this wasn’t just any bread. Chunks, half a loaf size pieces, were delivered for everyone at the table. Not to share, a chunk was delivered for each person. They were hot and fragrant. They were perfectly crusted on the outside and moist and fresh on the inside. And, I don’t know what they did to it, but I swear these magical loaves were dusted with movie theater popcorn kisses on the outside. I’m possibly ruined for all bread forever.

Minutes later every last crumb of bread had disappeared into our bellies.

We hadn’t even begun to process how truly amazing that bread was until one of the team was like, “I’m just gonna go ahead and get some more bread for the table.”

Heck yes, you are!

Let’s do it.

Hands raised (okay, that was just me, because I still function at a 3rd grade level).

None, zero objections.

Bread hard.

I’m in.

What I’m really getting at here is this: we’ve been trapped in our houses, staring at friends and colleagues over Zoom, and working on-site covered by masks and harassed by the Covid police (this is probably an industry-specific thing, but I digress) for two years now. When you finally get to break bread and spend time with friends and colleagues bread hard, man. Bread hard.

Eat the bread, have the glass of wine, and don’t skip on dessert. (Obviously, if you have a legitimate food situation, don’t do anything stupid.) Skip the calorie counting and the carb chatter and just eat, drink, and be grateful to have the chance.

(And, Alyson, who actually yelled “bread hard” at the table, thanks for naming this week’s post! Bread hard, sister!)

Lipstick Is The New Pants

“You’re so good. You always have on lipstick. I’m a mess.”

I do. I always have on lipstick. On Zoom. When I go for a run. Trader Joe’s quick-stop. Even under my mask. I feel kinda naked without it. And I did long before Zoom calls became a thing. Running upstairs for a meeting, touch up your lipstick. Need to hit the grocery store on the way home, slap on some lipstick.

My version of tapping on the plate three times before facing the next pitch. Or adjusting my gloves. Or Big Papi’s Spit and Clap. (Apologies to anyone who feels bait-and-switched by the sports talk. It’s over now. But that’s also the great conundrum that is me.)

If I have lipstick on, I’m focused, alert, and ready to tackle the task at hand.

I don’t do it to get noticed, but it does.

Every time someone would call me out for putting lipstick on for a video call I just shrug.

“OMG, you look so put together, I haven’t even showered this week (I don’t think).”

“Ugh, how do you find the energy, I could barely put pants on?”

“Tarrah, always with the lipstick, making us look bad.”

FWIW I basically stick to the red-adjacent family unless it’s Halloween. I could understand how these colors would beg questions on a Tuesday afternoon Zoom. Hmmmm… maybe I’ll start.

First, it takes barely any energy. I have a tube sitting right on my desk. I didn’t even have to get up.
Second, don’t go accusing me of showering. Lipstick is magic, it just looks like I showered. Be glad you aren’t here.
And finally, I’m not doing anything to make you look bad. I’m trying to trick myself into being present (because let’s be honest a lot of those Zoom calls coulda/shoulda been an email).

Sometimes when it’s just me sitting at my desk writing I put lipstick on even though no one will see me just to magic my brain into thinking differently. With lipstick on, I am a professional. Work Tarrah. Pay no attention to the yoga pants and holey sweater off camera. (Thanks, Uriel, for this well-timed IG share.)

Over the last two years “lipstick is the new pants” kinda became my mantra. Every time I said that to someone they would laugh. Not in a negative way, but they would chuckle at my very basic way of looking at things. For real, no one can tell who is and who is not wearing pants. But you can tell who has their game face on.

Am I seriously the only one playing these mind games with myself?

All I have to say to that is if y’all have some other witchcraft/voodoo/hype-up trick that you aren’t sharing, what gives?

Then recently, while listening to the Inner Peace To Go podcast (available in the Apple podcast store), hosted by Sandy Cohen (@youknowsandy), she shared with her guest that sometimes she put perfume on to help her set the scene for her day. Yeah, that! Exactly!

I am not alone.

But I am curious, what are the rest of you doing? How is everyone getting through this?

A Champagne Toast… for Sylvie!

If someone had told me when I started watching Netflix’s Emily in Paris that I’d be professing my love for Sylvie, I would have laughed in their face. Certainly, I’d be writing about the relationship between Emily and Mindy, duh!

Before we dive in, some business to get out of the way: There are spoilers ahead. So go binge-watch Emily in Paris a time or two and then pop back.

No, I don’t believe the criticism the show has gotten is fair. Where I am a member in good standing and able to vote, I did vote for Emily in Paris. And I stand by it. Season 1 landing mid-quarantine the show was exactly the escape and adventure I desperately craved. It swept me away from my terrifying world into a fictional-yet-realistic fantasy with rules I understood (the same reason I watched a lot of vampire and sci-fi series during quarantine). It provided an escape, a release, a moment of joy and that’s 100% what I believe television should be.

But, back to Sylvie.

No me gusta. I felt my skin crawl every second she was on screen. Kudos to Philippine Leroy-Beaulieu and all the writers because they nailed her. As a woman, we’ve all had that boss that you want so desperately to please but you can’t ever seem to predict her response. That boss who knows how to send you from 100 to zero with the flick of an eyebrow or an almost compliment that sends you into a weekend-long overthinking spiral.

Going into Season 2, a few sleeps past the S1 emotions that Sylvie stirred, I felt prepared. I knew what to expect from her. And I was right all the way to the final episode.

[Spoiler] When Sylvie walked away from Savoir I felt every defense mechanism inside me shut off.

Shit! Epic boss move.

And one, I wish more of us got a chance to see in real life.

Sylvie read the tea leaves and made a decision that was in her best interest. She masterminded a plan and executed it without asking everyone and their mother what she should do. Though I’m sure she talked to her most trusted, this wasn’t an everyone gets to weigh in situation. She knew what she was doing and wasn’t going to be lunchroom gossip fodder. Then, when the time was right, she executed. Simply. Succinctly. And without misunderstanding.

What I would have done to have a female boss show me that. (I could have avoided so many traps of my own making.)

CHOOSE YOU

Doing what’s best for you is necessary. But it’s also not easy. There are so many voices, usually louder than your own, giving you reasons why they can’t do it without you. They can. They just don’t want to. They want you to do it. That’s what’s best for them. And you have to keep reminding yourself of that. It’s a vicious cycle until you realize that’s not real praise. The real praise is, “Thank you.” Thank you for a million small things you’ve done that probably don’t matter to you but mattered a lot to someone else. And, likely those thank yous, the real ones, don’t come right away. They only come when someone realizes they can do it without you because you paved the way.

DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL

The plan might be the easy part – technically. Emotionally – oh, hell no. There is nothing emotional about the plan. You have the cash or you don’t. You have the contacts or you don’t. You have the drive or you don’t. But then you start to panic. And you want to tell everyone. So you do. They pile on even more to think about. The spiral coaster cycles again.

But are they going to help you make it happen?

All those extra voices do is add doubt. Doubts you’ve probably already considered. The only voice you need to listen to is the one that scratches at the inside of your brain begging for attention telling you this won’t just be good. It’ll be great.

FEEL THE FEELS

Walking away sucks. No matter the situation, if it’s not right for you, you walk. It’s not any easier to walk away at your lowest point than it is at your highest point. It’s your life and only you can live it. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t great people, places, and opportunities you are leaving behind. It’s okay to miss people (You will. And you’ll be surprised who.) It’s cool to cherish mementos from your office. And, it’s normal to mourn the adventures someone else will be having instead of you. Tears might coat your face as you reach for the elevator button. Let them. Or you might walk out to a slow clap of peers hoping they’ll be next. Awesome. Either way, it’s emotional AF. Just because it’s emotional doesn’t change the fact that it is the right thing for you.

The other side: it’s fraught with ups and downs. No one really talks about that. They also don’t really tell you what it really feels like to find your way into a new situation that serves you. (It’s a crazy mindfuck.) Probably because it’s impossible to put in words. They’ve either done it, so they understand. Or they haven’t and don’t want to believe that it can really be like that. (Because if it’s really great on the other side, why are they still in the position they are.) It’s a ride. Your ride.

EMILY IN PARIS… THE FUTURE

It’s official, Emily lives to post another day. And thank goodness, Sylvie has so much more to teach us

This toast is for Sylvie. I’m sorry I didn’t see you sooner. I respect the hell out of you!

Finding My Hair (Or, With Friends Like These…)

All the floors in my house have been replaced over the last three weeks-ish. It’s been awesome, but it’s also like moving (just in and out of the same space you already occupy and wondering why everything doesn’t fit back the same).

In preparation for the new carpet in the bedroom, some amazing friends came over to help me schlep and stack my private space into other parts of my house. Having nearly finished, I stumbled up the other half of a broken hangar that had inexplicably disappeared earlier in the day.

I said, “Oh, there’s that hanger.” And bent over to pick it up.

But, what they heard was, “Oh, there’s that hair.”

When I stood back up I turned to face my friends, they were all exchanging glances with each other and looking at me a little like my clothes had magically disappeared. There was a three-way silent debate happening that definitely did not include me.

Finally, one of them spoke up, asking, “What did you find?”

“A hanger.”

“Oh.” A collective “oh,” followed by “Ok, what’s next?”

And, boy were they relieved when I corrected their minds. This naturally led to a lengthy round of good-natured teasing about the secret hair collection that they were all pretty sure I’d just outed myself on.

“Also, that’s definitely not what we heard. But if you say so.”

It’s that kind of group. Everyone gets teased from time to time.

When the teasing ended, I looked at them and said, “Guys, I really appreciate that you were all willing to stand here and just move on as if nothing was weird when you thought I was working towards a world record human hair ball.”

“I mean, if that’s what you’re into.”
“Of course, just don’t think we aren’t going to ask you about it.”
“Are you telling us you actually have a collection of old hairs?”

Translation: We got you, no matter how weird you get. Full stop. End of discussion.

My friends are pretty f*ing rad. I’m a lucky human.

Everyone deserves friends like that.

(And, no, I do not have a collection of shed hairs waiting for their 15 minutes of fame. I swear.)

2022: Are resolutions still a thing?

We’re about a week into 2022, or 2020 too, so now feels like the right time to talk about New Year’s Resolutions.

Controversial, I know. Some people are dedicated to them. Others could not give a [insert word of your choice].

I land somewhere in the middle. It’s basically a long-term to-do list. In other words, some things will get done, some will be procrastinated, and the others, well screw it.

I prefer to keep my Resolutions attainable. And for my better good, whatever I decide that is. If I don’t stick to them 100%, so be it. I tried. I did something.

But, I do like to be held accountable.

When I was applying for graduate school I was extra in my head about telling people. I wasn’t keeping it a secret, I was ‘what if I don’t get in?’ Spoiler alert: I did not. Not to any schools that I applied to. I did, however, realize that my next chapter would not be in Boston. And, I had to leave to get there. Leaving is a slippery slope though. When is the right time? There is no right time. There are one million reasons to wait til next [insert measure of time] and one million and one to go.

I found myself in Wisconsin, visiting family, at a high school graduation party, standing out like a sore thumb. Older than all the graduates and friends and definitely not a full-fledged adult yet. Other than my family, who frankly, are stuck with me at this point, I didn’t know these people. I didn’t owe them an explanation for my life. But for every stranger that asked me what I was doing with my life, I got a little bolder.

* I was going to get my MBA, but now I think I might just move somewhere new.
* I work in PR, I’m thinking about moving.
* I really want to do entertainment PR, so I’ve really got to consider.
* I’m moving to California.

And three months later, after an epic Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine concert, I pulled out the driveway and headed west.

All because I told a bunch of randos that I’ll never see again I was moving. I also, maybe told them I was going to plan the Oscars, cause why not. I finally knew where I wanted to go.

So, here we go. Hold me accountable.

2022 Resolutions

Use food in the pantry. I’m an ambitious grocer shopper. I need to actually use the things I buy.

Read the books. Pass them on. It’s not like I don’t read books, but I have this collection living in my house that just keeps growing.

No NEW office supplies. I have a problem. I love office supplies. I need to stop. (I admit, this is the 3rd year running for this one!)

Get better at version control. I just love to start making edits to old versions. I’m my own computer virus.

Use the beauty products. Friends, it’s time, when you come over we’re doing face masks, foot peels, eye creams, you name it! I do know that it doesn’t work in the bottle.

Book deal. Book tour. I manifested my dream job at the Oscars, why not?

2021: Falling in Love with My Bookshelf

130. I read 130 books this year. I have no idea how this compares to previous years because I only recently started using Goodreads to keep track (as opposed to just as a book shopping list). So for now I’ll just say, “look at me go!”

But seriously, if you are interested, you can see my whole 2021 list HERE.

Overall, my 2021 bookshelf had romance on the brain. All types. Every flavor. Teen, Adult, Holiday, Gay, Straight, Sweet-and-PG, Smutty Housewife porn, and just downright DIRTY. More than a few people died. A lot, a lot of people took road trips. I fell in love with quite a few authors and even more characters. I saw myself in places I didn’t expect including several that made me downright uncomfortable (will be working on that in 2022) and didn’t find a connection in places I really wanted to.

And, I discovered a new favorite hobby (quick? game?): screenshotting those moments, those turns of phrase that just smack you in the face, tear up your gut, and squeeze your heart. You’ll be seeing those in 2022.

Until then, in no particular order is a rundown of 13 of the books that hit my cold, dead heart right in the feels. (And, because no author deserves to be ranked. You wrote a book. You put it out there. That’s a huge F-ing deal! Congratulations. Stand up and take a bow.)

The Best Little Christmas Shop
Maxine Morrey * @scribbler_maxi

Admittedly this book found its way to my Kindle in a Holiday reads binge-add. And then it sat there because the cover had me thinking it was going to be another cookie-cutter snowy winter day tub read. So when I finally got around to reading it (after I read a ton of other cookie-cutter reads with sexier covers) I was pleasantly surprised, actually thrilled, to see a woman I could relate to. A woman trapped in a man’s world trying to figure herself out. The saying is true… don’t judge a book by its cover. (But definitely buy the wine with animals on the label.)

Only the Pretty Lies
Rebekah Crane * @rebekahcrane42

When you are someone that questions the status quo you don’t always remember to keep learning as you are fighting until it smacks you in the face. For me, this story hit that feeling right in the kill shot.

One to Watch
Kate Stayman-London * @__ksl

A fish out of water that should be in the story. Basically a body-positive plus-size bachelorette. But you can’t just sub in an inclusive element and hit play. You still have to look at the whole picture. The whole person.

The Tourist Attraction (Moose Springs, Alaska #1)
Sarah Morgenthaler * @sarahmorgenthaler.author

These quirky characters emerge from their winter thaw in the most bizarrely entertaining way. I honestly enjoyed my visit to Moose Springs and all of its colorful residents. A perfect mind-vacation to get you out of your own status quo.

Kiss and Don’t Tell
Meghan Quinn * @meghanquinnbooks

100% I picked this one because of the cover. Surrender yourself to the highly unlikely premise (girl traveling alone stumbles across a tricked-out vacation home filled with pro hockey players), silence your stranger danger alerts, and enjoy the adventure. Simply put, I just really enjoyed this one, I kind of want to be friends with these guys. And, I’ll be thinking about that shower scene for a long time to come.

Beach Read
Emily Henry * @emilyhenrywrites

Emily Henry get out of my head! That’s really all I have to say about that… she’s got my number and she keeps calling. It freaks me out how eerily matched to my life her books are at the exact moment I pick them up. Pick one up… enjoy the adventure.

Love, Comment, Subscribe
Cathy Yardley * @cathyyardley

Super successful and totally young social media influencers struggling – gah! Who wants to read that? Apparently me. Totally sucked in by the Nerd Herd. Enjoyed the set-up, the world-building, and obsessively shipping Lily and Tobin.

The Summer Job
Lizzy Dent * @lizzy.dent

Trope alert: Let’s switch places for the summer, what could go wrong? Pretending to be a world-class wine expert – as the person who openly buys wine based on the animals on the label (Rooster is always a safe bet!) I’m IN to see how this tale goes off the rails. And, spending some time in the Scottish countryside wasn’t bad either.

Such a Fun Age
Kiley Reid * @kileyreid

This book (the hardcover version – OG style!) was loaned to me by a friend and I immediately fell right down the rabbit hole. If this story doesn’t make you check yourself from the jump, might I suggest turning off the radio and reading in silence? (And, not at all to belittle the strength and power of this novel, I do have to acknowledge the Halloween costume choices for the kid. Yaaaassss!)

The Distance from Me to You
Marina Gessner * @ninadegramont

Recent HS grad lies to her parents and sets off to hike the Appalachian trail – ALONE! This should have been unbelievable and unrelatable but McKenna’s journey to find herself hit home in some very unexpected ways. And, since I’m never going to be making this hike I enjoyed the visit on the path less traveled.

There You Were: A Pride & Prejudice Variation
Michelle Ray * @mraywriter

My first Jane Austen Variation. And it won’t be my last. I loved the realistic spin on Lizzie’s struggles. Unknowing what to expect from the characters and the world was a mental pleasure. As much as I love Elizabeth Bennett v.1 she was truly a work in progress, girl could have benefited from a lot of the modern self-help hacks to get out of her own way. This Sliding Doors version of an alternate reality for her hit the right notes.

Conventionally Yours
Annabeth Albert * @annabeth_albert

A love story set at a gaming convention… um, yeah, that’s not my jam. Or is it? I still don’t entirely understand how this card game works but the I loved dipping into the niche world, I rooted for the perfect-yet-broken lovers, and I kinda want to be besties with the circle of eccentric characters that surround them.

Buy the Shoes: Essays on Relationships, Motherhood and the Stories in Between
Angela Smith * @popsiculture

As a regular reader of popsiculture.com, I was pretty confident I was going to enjoy the read. What I didn’t expect was the emotions this curated selection of essays brought out from a book about motherhood, divorce, and being a badass bitch in me, someone who is arguably only one of those things. . 100% biased because I can’t say enough good things about Angela, but I can’t wait to read more wherever she publishes it.

HOLIDAY HEROINES

Let’s talk about the Holiday Movie Heroine***.

She’s never been someone I can relate to. At least not after the first 15 minutes. I still watch… but I’ve got words for her.

She generally starts off as a high-powered professional with a heart of cold steel… or a mid-level top performer long overdue for a promotion… or a small business owner who doesn’t know how to ask for help. She’s generally lonely or has a shitty partner, but somehow has an exceptional stable of great friends all of whom are coupled (unless of course, they are the eclectic friend, then that’s the reason why it’s okay for them to be single).

In other words, she only thinks she can take care of herself. If she didn’t have these amazing friends to script everything in her life, she’d be lost. And this is clearly the foundation for her imminent Holiday makeover.

She’s typically a writer, or a baker, or an event planner. Occasionally, a home designer or dog walker, or some type of advertising/marketing genius. And more recently, as the universe has been screaming for it, occasionally a woman working in STEM or something else out of the norm, but only on paper, not in any meaningful way that affects the story.

What she never is: perfectly comfortable with her situation. And she’s never supported by the people in her life.

If her career is gangbusters, it’s because she’s thrown herself into it to avoid someone (usually, but not always) back in her small town home and NO ONE lets her forget how well said avoided-person is doing. Avoided-person gets a veritable crap-ton of acceptance and support for how well they’ve done, all the leaves they’ve turned over, and how much they’ve grown since the offending incident. Our leading lady, not so much. She gets no credit for how far she’s come in her career, how she’s raised a child alone, how she forged a new path on her own. Whatever she’s accomplished doesn’t count, because she doesn’t have a partner and really needs to give avoided-person a chance.

If she’s thrilled to be going to the aforementioned hometown, she’s got a too-involved boss or a friend or a nosy neighbor who is constantly trying to set her up with your friendly hometown single guy/new-in-town single dad/best friend who has been under her nose all this time. Whatever she’s got going for her, or doesn’t, her life will be fixed as long as she listens to them and goes out with prescribed human.

But don’t worry folks, in the end, she’s going to figure it all out with a dose of getting-back-to-her roots tough love and some holiday magic (plus, a whole heap of hot chocolate). She’ll figure out that she really does love this guy that’s been dropped in front of her (for approx. 2 weeks) and that she really doesn’t need to work so much or that she really hates her life and wants to move back to where she came from.

Cue the kiss. Roll the end credits.

Sure, it’s what we’ve come to know and (generally) accept, and, admittedly, it does still rustle up a few warm-and-fuzzies every season. Finally, the Hallmarks and the Lifetimes are starting to add color and variety into not just our ‘best friend and co-worker’ tropes but to our leads (one channel better than the other). You know, making it visually reflective of say, oh, the world we actually live in. If there’s a formula for our holiday happiness surely it’s easier to write, easier to shoot, and certainly, easier to crank out 30-40 new movies a year. Of course, I’d define the term ‘new’ loosely.

As someone who watches an admittedly aggressive number of these new holiday movies each year, I’ve got to wonder why I still do, when I never see the woman (or for that matter) the person I’m looking for in them.

Why isn’t our leading lady:

Happy in her job and excited to enjoy the magic of Christmas in the city she lives in?
Happy in her life – great friends, great family – ~~looking for~~, scratch that, open to someone fabulous to add to the happiness? A bonus person, if you will. Welcome, but not essential for living.
So good at her job that this new fabulous person is willing to give up their [job/house/etc.] to move where she lives? Or hell, try long distance?
A top surgeon. A race car driver. A top mechanic. A beloved sports announcer for the Red Sox. An astronaut. A deep sea diver. This list goes on forever. She can be a damn ballerina/wizard/boxing champion who runs the world’s largest venture capital company specializing in tiny home communities for displaced badgers. She can be literally anything.
Surrounded by friends (hell, even just one) who actually support her singledom. Like, for real. Not in the ‘I’m here for you, but if you would just wake up and realize you are in love with my brother all will be right in the world’ way.
Surrounded by friends like her — who are single, adulting, and occasionally messy, but fun, interesting, and honest about who they are.
Off on some holiday adventure with all of her chosen family. Making memories. Learning about other traditions than they grew up with. Practicing hobbies that fill her heart like ski racing or knitting or building model airplanes. Spending the holiday building houses for Habitat for Humanity. Or competing in a roller derby tournament that all of her friends and family travel to and cheer loudly for her in the stands.
Not a woman. Surely, somewhere out there are other people who embody the same leading traits and are just looking for love.

Because I recognize all of those people. And frankly, I’d like to see more of them.

I’m not advocating that we kill the happy ending or throw out the finding love at Christmas tropes at all, but let’s define happy as it exists: in a wide variety of forms. Let’s spend a couple extra weeks on scripts and write more of the people we know. Make fewer movies each year and put that budget towards alternative locations and costumes. And, so we can start teaching by example, writing some straight men who are in touch with their feelings, confident in their manhood enough to [fill in the blank with your favorite not-traditionally-male activity], and getting over their ex while hiding out in their favorite small town.

*** For the purpose of keeping this blog post under one million words, I’m speaking generally about the wholesome girl-next-door heroine trope who (still in 2021) absolutely dominates the holiday movie industry. IMHO we need to speed up the increase in LGBTQ+ holiday stories. All of them. We are long overdue for a drag queen Christmas tale. I’d love to see a non-binary Christmas love story where the correct pronouns are just used (not used for educational purposes, just used). And, while we are at it, diversity isn’t just color-blind casting for characters who all celebrate the holidays in exactly the same way. Families are blended and so are their holiday traditions: show me Las Posadas, show me more Chrismukkah, show me how Christmas blends into Kwanza. And, the list shouldn’t stop there.